The 2024 Ice Sculptures: The Frozen Peaches End-of-Year Awards

Every year, I put on a show commemorating the good, the bad, and the ugly of the political year. Welcome back to the fifth consecutive Ice Sculpture* Peaches Awards! 

*all titles subject to change on an annual basis

The David Cameron Award for Biggest Upset: Duma Boko

The BDP ruled Botswana for over half a century, uninterrupted, since the country achieved independence. Boko led his party to win 36 seats at this year’s election, to just 4 BDP MPs. A staggering overthrow of the establishment, and even if it owes more to the BDP’s struggles than the UDC’s advances, you gotta credit the guy for being the first alternative not to put off the electorate. 

Honourable Mention: Özgür Özel

Winning the local elections against a semi-authoritarian regime! Not bad! 

The Chuck McGill Award for Most Upset: Julie Anne Genter

An MP displaying a temper is not a big surprise. For anybody to find a reason to yell at the well-liked, earnest Matt Doocey? That came out of left field.

The Heart Part IV Award for Going Viral: Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke

There is a strong case to be made that no event in New Zealand history has ever enjoyed more of a global presence than the haka in Parliament. 

The Leonardo DiCaprio Academy Award for Catch Me If You Can: Donald Trump

There’s something paradoxical about legal consequences for threatening American democracy falling away because he won the next election fair and square. 

The “She didn’t dump me, I dumped her” Award for Messy Breakups: Olaf Scholz

The German Chancellor witnessed Harris lose the election, processed the knock on consequences for Europe, and the next day, doomed his government by firing his Finance Minister - leader of a party who had been plotting for months to break this thing off anyway. It’s not me, it’s you.

The Let the Wookie Win Award for Five Dimensional Dejarik: Yoon Suk Yeol

Bing-bop-boom-boom-boom-bop-bam: the type of shit I'm on, you wouldn't understand.

The Baldwin Street Award for Worst Hill to Die On: Phil Mauger

Please man, stop talking about the Commonwealth Games, I’m begging you, we’ll give you 2011 Gerry Brownlee level authority, name a new hospital wing after you, implement the Treaty bill in city borders, whatever you want, just make it end, the nightmares, he won’t let up, he’s in my walls, commonwealth ga

The Sisyphus Award for Running Up That Hill: Abu Mohammad al-Julani

One of the most stunning events of my lifetime. The civil war of thirteen years, which for so many years merely prompted the question of “how are they still fighting?”, is finally over. But not, as we all expected, because the rebels finally packed it in. No, the survivors held on, resisted, and got better at this as the government’s standing slowly eroded. al-Joulani, a man who has been fighting with Islamist militias since the USA invaded Iraq, found it in him to work to set differences aside and build a genuine political coalition. 

And, when the time was right, with Russia and Iran bled dry in Ukraine and Gaza respectively, they made their push to bring it all to an end. The future could still turn in a dark direction for any of Syria’s various groups, but for now nothing but praise can be offered for getting rid of a monster, liberating the people to let out all their true views freely, and emptying perhaps the worst dungeons in the world.

Honourable Mention: Nigel Farage

On his seventh try, Nige proved anybody can get into Parliament if they just visualise the meme of the guy turning away from mining before he hits diamonds hard enough.

The Gene Kelly Award for Singing In The Rain: Rishi Sunak 

Am I going to be able to get a use out of this award again? Probs not, but I couldn’t go without complimenting the bold choice to announce an election he was sure to lose while looking like a damp squib with a combover and a splendid backing track.

The Strong Team More Team Better Team Award for Political Management: Winston Peters

It speaks to how tight the Minister of Racing keeps his leash on his minions that he can one day announce he’s banning a pillar of racing and you hear nary a peep of dissent out of them on this, or any of the other hundred issues he has flipped sides on over the years. Maybe the best thing he has ever done? Off the top of my head, I can’t think of another good one!

The Me, Me, Pick Me Award for an Only Child: Elon Musk

Why did the world’s richest man spend his year pottering over the news app only journalists use and doing Jump Jam routines in front of crowds who came to see another man? 

The Lazarus with a Triple Bypass Award for Political Survival: Justin Trudeau

Dude, what the Québec? Why are you here, man, you're so old…where's your Finance Minister? Go home to your dynasty, dude.

The Nostradamus Award for Best Prediction: Frozen Peaches

Between calling the anti-immigrant factor in Europe, not one not two but three of the government ministers who struggled most this year, and Luxon’s ineptitude, I haven’t had the singularly high highs of past years but I’ve smoothed out into a more consistent anticipator. Therefore, I get to pat myself on the back and accept an award from myself, Obama style. (You'll see the prediction review in full next week.)

The Allan Lichtman Award for Worst Prediction: Ann Selzer

Harris +3 in Iowa…be so for real with me right now

The Rangitata Accountability Award: the DPF of Brazil

While North America’s wannabe despot returns to power, in South America’s titan, the police have uncovered evidence of a wide ranging coup plot, all linked to Jair Bolsonaro. If he manages a political return at this point, he’s a shoo in for the Lazarus. 

Honourable Mention: The National Assembly of the Republic of Korea

We got there on the second try, guys! 😀 👍

The Houdini Discountability Award: Jacob Zuma

Objectively an incredibly funny bit for the corrupt former President of South Africa to ask “What if we did ANC 2, just with a worse leader”, steal a third of the ANC’s votes, and leave the country governed by the ANC again but now in the arms of the right-wing, white-wing DA. Alex Salmond wishes. 

Honourable Mention: Merrick Garland

In hindsight, starting an investigation into Trump over a year after January 6th maaay have been a mistake. Hot irons and all that.

The Super Finn Bros. Award for Six Months In A Leaky Boat: the HMS Manawanui

You may call losing a tenth of our navy a great defeat for New Zealand in the world, but could there be any greater reaffirmation of our nation’s proud and uncomplicated history than royally screwing over Samoa for no reason?  

Honourable Mention: the Interislander

What are you reading on right now? How do you think it gets delivered? Do you know how much stuff we move every year? I mean, even if I told you, you wouldn't believe it. Do you know what would happen if the Aratere suddenly decided to sink below the waves? An economy big enough that it could swallow Ukraine goes belly up. Disappears! It ceases to exist without ferries. No, you clearly don't know what you're about, so let me clue you in. We are not in danger of spending too much on replacing ferries, Winston. The ferries are the danger. A guy opens his door and finds a package, and you think Amazon did that? No. The Interislander is the one who knocks!

The Helicopter Parent Award for Overlong Influence: John Key

When you resigned, Obama was still President. Move on with your life. Let it go. Stop trying to convince us that Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are great guys.

The Frozen Peaches Award for Best Use of Free Speech: Ginny Andersen

Obviously hilariously ill judged to hop on talkback to discuss your respective backgrounds in policing with the government’s law and order czar, only to pop the question as to whether he killed people in Iraq. HOWEVER. She kind of cooked? Like, I think it’s reasonable to have concerns if a dude signed up to kill people for money in an immoral war with notoriously blurred lines! 

Honourable Mention: J. D. Vance

Heartbreakingly, one of the worst vice-presidential candidates in modern American history actually put up a downright winning debate showing. 

The “GY!BECIgJWTFAYTA?” Award for Eloquent Rhetoric: Donald Trump

He says it all.

Honourable Mention: Peter Thiel

Have you ever had a dream that you could do anything? 

(This is why I’m so utterly exhausted with any “why don’t they engage us in a rational debate” shtick - it just comes off like the speaker is so convinced they’re right they’ve never had to develop their argument, and are subconsciously uncomfortable with submitting it for scrutiny. I’ve been there! So I got better at critiquing and workshopping my own arguments, and I’m still pretty average! What gives him the confidence?) 

The Traffic (2000) Award for Most Confused Political Coding in Fiction: Yellowstone S5E14

SPOILER WARNING BELOW!

How did we go through five seasons of red meat “we honest farmers protect our land that feeds America from the greedy hands trying to snatch it from us” to end on land back? Not complaining, it’s a fine finale in isolation, but what an incoherently vibes-y show. I dare you to name three tangible things John Dutton actually did in public office for anybody other than his family that merited the kind of loving praise he won at his funeral.

SPOILER WARNING ABOVE! 

The Gliding Over All Award: Chris Hipkins 

No scandals, no controversies, no policies, no nothing. May as well not exist. 

Honourable Mention: Chris Bishop

Weirdly enough, for how central he is to the government’s agenda, I feel like I hear so little from him compared to prior years. Just getting on with it.

The Let Me Be Frank Award for the Collective Memory Hole: supermarket price gouging

It’s always interesting to track what fails to sustain its own momentum once its day in the media spotlight passes. For all the left bloc’s declarations that they’re staying neck and neck and keeping the conversation focused on the stuff that matters, all parties have collectively acquiesced in prices every bit as bad as last year’s! 

The Wanna See Me Fall Award: Bashar al-Assad

Who must go?

Honourable Mention: Keir Starmer

look at those side by side Prime Ministerial approval graphs over time LMAO

The What’s Gonna Work Award for Teamwork: TPM-Greens-Labour

They have resisted the temptation to plunge their daggers into each other in favour of criticising a government who they have far greater disagreements with. A triumph of common sense over base political greed for votes.

The What Is Work Award for Policyless Politics: David Seymour

Rant incoming.

David has spent year after year banging on about how it’s time to move past unserious stunts (whether they be his own twerking and skydiving, or the woke virtue signalling of an unfocused government) and get on with the real issues, and, indeed, ACT has on many subjects. But the signature moment not only of his year, not only of ACT’s year, but probably at this rate his entire political career, has been putting forward a bill of baffling simplicity for such a necessarily complex issue; so poorly worded as to generate readings that it could, in fact, be the most progressive bill ever submitted on Māori rights if passed, purely by accident; so politically toxic as to be publicly disavowed by his own government; and so terribly argued for as to generate simply unprecedented public opposition with no comparative protests in support. 

There is no good reason for this bill to exist. We all know it will not pass. His arguments have not engaged with those opposing at all. That is the worst part of all of this to me. He has demonstrated true public constitutional debate will never happen, simply by never listening, and responding, to his loudest opponents. And he has kept pushing it, because he wants attention and votes. Even though it is patently obvious that the greatest political benefit this bill has offered is to Te Pāti Māori, a political force he regularly decries as antithetical to liberal democracy. Virtue signalling of the highest order. We have never seen anything like it, and it’s fucking embarrassing.

The “Where are they now?” Award for Moving On: Jimmy Carter

He lived long enough to see through his dream of voting for Kamala Harris! 

…she didn’t win Georgia, but it’s the thought that counts! 

Honourable Mention: Andrew Coster

Nobody talks about social investment anymore and it makes me sad.

The Chris Martin Award for When You Try Your Best, But You Don’t Succeed: Kamala Harris

She saved a lot of Senate and House seats, but the weights around her ankles were a bit too much. Still, she revealed herself to be considerably more politically skilled than consensus had it, and a run in 2026 for Governor of California seems only appropriate. The Democratic Party can look in many places to assign blame, and that includes the Harris campaign, but Harris’s own performance was just plain good. 

The Best Award of the Year Award: Toby Manhire and Ben McKay, for the second year running, for The John Clarke Memorial Prize for Significant Contribution to Political Comedy

“Todd Stephenson, the Act spokesperson for arts and culture who couldn’t name a single New Zealand book.”

Three pointer.

The Politician of the Year Award: Xi Jinping + Vladimir Putin (joint award)

You might be surprised by this when both regimes are showing the strain more than in prior years, and that’s true. I am not crediting them as doing especially well at ruling. Instead, what I can now conclusively recognise in looking back at the past year decade is, more than any individual politicians deserving recognition for electoral accomplishments, the great ruler of the age has been inflation. And if any two names can be named as responsible, they are the man who let COVID spin out of control, and the man who launched a war that mangled global supply chains. 

Congratulations on your most unpredictable pathway to global revolution. 

Honourable Mention: Benjamin Netanyahu

Obligatory “this is like TIME Person of the Year, I’m giving it to the most significant person, not offering a moral judgement”, though you’d think the above two would get that point across. For some time, wishcasting aside, it still looked like his government continuing to push the war in Gaza onwards was backfiring. The obvious is the tried-and-true fact that anti-guerilla wars where you keep killing exorbitant numbers of civilians just fuel future wars. Besides that, though, Israel’s standing has worsened around the world where it was not already in the dumps, most visibly in recent days with both an ICC arrest warrant for Netanyahu and a spat with Ireland. Opening a new front in Lebanon didn’t help.

Yet, in rapid succession, Israel has eliminated the leaders of Hezbollah and Hamas. This has pressured Lebanon into acquiescence and weakened Iran’s reach and resistance. That, in turn, opened the door to an outcome no one saw coming in Syria. Israel can now expect to be a significant player in the next chapter of that country’s history. These events do not vindicate his choices morally, but they transform how we understand their practical impact, and his legacy as a figure who shaped the modern Middle East.

The Future is Bright Award for 2024’s Brightest Prospect: Chlöe Swarbrick

An inauspicious first year won’t linger in the long run: what matters is an unprecedentedly young leader has smoothly assumed power, with a lot of chances to put her skills to use on the horizon. Particularly in a year where her co-leader has sadly had to step back to fight that awful beast cancer - a peril that should remind us our MPs can still be vulnerable humans too; RIP Nikki Kaye, and Efeso Collins - she has rapidly normalised a kind of leader that would have been unthinkable as recently as when John Key was PM. Best of luck to her, and to Marama.